Authentic

So yesterday I went out and got my hair done for the first time in over five years. I found a look that I liked and that would go well with the type of hair I have and went with It. Face framing, layers, the whole 9 yards.

The stylist couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful and strong and healthy my hair was!

Now I, like most women, have a love, hate relationship with my hair. Sometimes it wants to be straight sometimes it wants to be wavy, sometimes it’s curly and It’s ALWAYS frizzy.

When my hair cooperates, I adore it but most of the time. I want to rip it out at the roots. Hearing a professional gush over my hair like this left me beaming and for the most part, I felt like She was being honest because she didn’t try to sell me six million products.

What she did do was ask me what I did to make my hair so healthy. She asked me what products I used because her hair was a lot like mine and she wanted to grow it out and be as healthy as possible.

You should  have Seen her face when I told her I really don’t use anything. I have a frizz oil and leave in conditioner and that’s it. What I don’t do is blow dry, I barely use heat of any kind, and I find shampoo that’s as chemical free as possible.

Later in that night, my husband and I went out with a few friends to play pool at the local bar. We played people we have never met and made some new friends.

A few of the girls told me how pretty I looked (probably the new hair cut) and asked how I got my makeup to look so natural. I don’t wear makeup.

Things like this don’t happen to me very often so when they do, I ponder them very deeply in the shower.

I didn’t do anything different with my physical appearance (other than a haircut) so why where people complimenting me like this? That is definitely not a normal occurrence for me.

The only answer that I can come up with is that I focus more on the health of my body over the physical appearance of it and tonight I owned it. I was confident In myself and who I want to be so I didn’t pay attention to what I thought people might be thinking.

I smiled and laughed and allowed myself to be carried away by the mood of the moment instead of wondering whether or not I looked like a fool. I didn’t care if I looked like a fool as long as I was having fun, which I did- I had a blast.

We stayed out until 3:30AM (my normal bed time, even on weekends is around 9).

It was one of the funnest nights I can remember and hopefully there will be many More like this.

My introverted ass can still have fun meeting new people.

Whatever your bliss, follow it. People are attracted to confidence over appearance. Own who you are and own what you love because if you don’t, no one will. The people around you are far to wrapped up in their own insecurities to be nit picking you the way you nit pick yourself so fake it till you make it darling.

Good luck and God Bless

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Thoughts and Actions

For the last week and a half, my house has been a disaster zone. I’ve worked the last 12 days in a row, today is my only day off before going back tomorrow, and I’ve been facing burn out at a level that I haven’t in a very long time.

I bought food, but i didn’t want to make it, I still made it but it was half hearted and half assed so it wasn’t very good. My laundry was clean but unfolded and I avoided my dishwasher because switching dishwasher detergent left my dishes with a powdery residue that left me feeling like a failure.

All I wanted to do was sleep so that is what I did and left everything to keep. I think that was part of the problem. I just Left everything.

When I Leave everything sit, if i think about doing it, the idea of starting leaves me feeling very overwhelmed so I avoid it. Which Just leads to a downward spiral of self loathing and depression.

Since today is my day off, I decided to GET EVERYTHING DONE and I did. I attacked every mess I could find in my house.

I started early because I know that mid morning is the time when I am most motivated to clean. Everything got done and I mean everything. Bathroom, kitchen, dishes, vacuuming, laundry, dusting, all done by 10:30 AM. .

My mood at first was foul. Conversations that turned to arguments that never happened and would never happen played over in my head. Definitely not healthy, so whenever I noticed my thoughts would go there, I would tell myself, “This isn’t helping.” And then ask God “Heavenly father, still my anger.” Then I’d find something positive to think like how good it’s going to having a clean house. I would think about guests coming over and how much more they would enjoy visiting in my clean house. How much I enjoyed freshly folded laundry even though I’m not a fan of folding it. By the time I was done with my chores, my mood was jovial.

Next order of business, meals. My husband likes “Easy meals.” I find them expensive and unhealthy. We also work different shifts. He works nights and I work days which makes meal time together very difficult. This has caused some discord between us so then we came up with the idea that I could pre make meals that can be microwaved and eaten at will.

I only Cook a few days a week and both of us are happy for it. This morning I made 6 meals which counts for about 2 days for us. That’s 2 days neither of us have to worry about food. 2 days of less stress for me and 2 days that I am not overwhelmed. While I was cooking them, l would think about those things which kept my good mood going.

Your thoughts matter. Your actions matter. You are in control both. The morning I had of is proof that I hope aids and empowers you.

Good Luck, God Bless

Rediscovering Purpose

I’ve noticed that a big part of finding happiness is giving yourself a purpose. What do you live for? What drives you? what do you cling to when you’re upset?

For me, that’s always been writing. Creative short stories, poetry, and journaling have always been my go to’s when I was depressed or anxious.

My fragile teenage soul had a bug out bag for when the world didn’t seem like such a fun place to be. My supplies included my journal, my creative writing notebook, and my poetry book. My latest paperback was usually in there as well.

If it was nice out, sunny and warm, I would head to the fort in the woods behind my house. It had a lookout tower 18 ft above the ground that was the perfect hideout for an angsty teenage girl.

Option two was my desk. But not sitting at the desk like a normal human, oh no. It wouldn’t be hiding if I did that. My desk sat in the corner of my bedroom with just enough space between it and the wall that a very small me could sit comfortably with a pillow and my bug out bag
and escape to a reality of my choosing.

Option three, only to be used in emergencies such as  if it was raining, snowing, cold, or dark
outside, or if my little sister claimed our bed room for herself, was the hunting room in the basement.

This room had all of our camping equipment and best of all, it locked from the inside. Granted there was a key, but that was the least of my worries. I wanted an escape and I wanted it now. I always had a place for It.

Now that I’ve grown and found ways out of my depressive / anxious states, I let the idea of writing to escape go, I thought l’d out grown my need of it, but I never felt quite whole without it.

I picked up the pen again and reignited my passion through journaling and this blog and It’s like coming up for air after drowning. I just can’t live meaningfully without writing. So I created a place for it in my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a published author so the blog is helping me find my voice. I’ve been great at poetry In the past so why not try and be a songwriter? And the biggest, probably the hardest tasks that I’m going to complete is becoming a published author. I am going to write and publish books. That Is my purpose.


The biggest point that I want to make is that If there is something in your life that has made that big of an impact on you, that has meant that much to you, there’s probably a reason for it. Maybe it was so important back then because it was meant to be your purpose now, or it was meant to lead you to your purpose.

Whatever it is, find it, create it for yourself.

Good Luck, God bless

Break Free Of The Spiral

I’ve fallen into a rut lately. I would rather sit on my behind and watch TV than do the things that I should be doing, like writing, working out, cooking for myself, going to the store…basically all of the things that adulting requires, I want nothing to do with it.

But I don’t want nothing to do with it, I don’t want to sink back into that depressive cocoon where the TV and my fuzzy blankets lull me into the tempting thoughts of “It’s OK, you don’t have to do that, someone else will do everything for you”. This voice is a lie, no one is going to take care of my responsibilities because, well, they’re mine.

So how does one get out of ruts like this?

Catch it

First and foremost, you have to catch yourself in the spiral. The spiral being those ever so helpful thoughts that if you really actually think about them, anxiety will spike and the instinct to hide comes creeping through your body like a vine crawling up a building. Very subtly getting taking over more and more of your mind.

What’s happening?!

What thoughts are triggering the anxiety? What thoughts triggered the depression? When you are happy and suddenly feel yourself becoming anxious or depressed, what are the thoughts surrounding those emotions?

Talk yourself up

Feeling like this is natural. We’re not perfect, sometimes we will get anxious, sometimes we will get depressed and that’s ok. It’s ok to acknowledge it to yourself, it’s healthy actually. Don’t beat yourself up if these feelings overwhelm you, you’re only human and life can be stressful. Allow yourself to break down and feel whatever you need to feel, but remind yourself that this isn’t who you are and you have the power to change what hurts you. You have the right to be happy and the ability to handle whatever it is that’s bothering you.

Take charge

You decide when the depression stops. You decide when the anxiety no longer has a hold on you. You have the power over your own mind which changes your brain which controls your body. YOU are the master and YOU CAN DO IT.

My demons lie in the fact that I don’t really have any food in the house for dinner. I need to eat because I need to maintain my weight (My metabolism is just way to darn fast). I need to go to the store because I am worth a healthy, home cooked meal. That healthy, home cooked meal is not only going to feed me today, but it’s also going to be my lunch tomorrow so that’s double incentive to get off my lazy arce and head to supermarket.

Demon number two lies in the fact that I didn’t write a post last week and it’s taken me this long to write the post for next week. Last week I unfortunately had a migraine the day that I had set aside to write which meant that I could barely open my eyes for 24 hours let alone stare at a computer screen. It’s understandable and nothing to beat myself up over because life happens, we can’t control that. What we can control is our reaction to it so I am choosing to no longer react by sinking into a depression, I am taking steps to alleviate the cause of the stress. If I’m stressed over the fact that I haven’t written yet, I better get to writing. You get the picture.

Last but not least, I will find something to be grateful for. I am so very grateful for the opportunity to express myself through writing. My heart is over filled with joy and gratitude when I think about all of the doors writing has opened and all of the demons it has caged. I am truly blessed to be able to use words to do such wonderful things and so very blessed to be able to share that with the world.

God Bless

Close your eyes, Take a breath, and LET GO

When it comes to being physically ill, or physically hurt, rehabilitation can take months. Progress can be slow and at times, it may seem like we’re not making any progress at all. We listen to our doctors and find a treatment plan that works for us. We allow ourselves time and patience to heal which research shows, makes a big difference in recovery.

Why can’t we allow ourselves that same time and patience to heal our minds as well? Our minds are capable of amazing things. To harness the power of the mind and the power of our thoughts is an amazing gift that we shrug off as a whimsical notion that holds no value. We are afraid of our minds, afraid to spend time alone with our thoughts, we are afraid to be alone with ourselves, why?

You may not control your thoughts, but you can control the ones you pay attention to. We control the ones that seep into and affect our lives. We control the thoughts that we accept into reality but we’ve forgotten how because for years we were taught that our minds are little more than pre programmed machines but we are so much more. You can’t dull down the human experience as a computer that is wired this way and not that. YOU ARE MORE THAN THAT.

The thoughts you actively think and the ones you choose to entertain are in your control and are the ones with the power to impact your life. If a thought comes up that you don’t like, instead of harboring it, claiming it, ruminating on it, you can let it go. That’s all you need to do is just let it go and it will no longer affect you, that thought will no longer be a part of you. It sounds so simple and I promise you that once you get the hang of it, it is so incredibly simple.

Like all skills, letting go requires practice. It’s a mental muscle that needs to be worked to become strong and you need to allow yourself the time to make it strong. Be patient with yourself and be mindful that it’s a gradual skill. You’re not going to wake up one morning and be perfect.

There is no such thing as perfect, all mental skills are a constant work in progress that make your life and your mind health better and better as you go. The more you do, the better you’ll be and the better you are, the more you do. It’s an upward spiral to counter the downward one you may currently be facing but in order to start, you need to let go.

Let go of the pain and live in the moment and imagine a bright future. More than imagine, plan it out, take control and work out the details of how you’re going to do it. Let go of the old, and make room for the new.

This Is The Year Of Choice, Choose Wisely.

My first post of 2019. New years have always been a big thing for me writing Journals. The first post of the new year has always given me a sense of refreshment, the first blank page of the new year. I guess it’s a little bit of a metaphor for me; the blank page representing the blank slate a new year represents, a new beginning, a fresh start. Here is the first of my fresh start.

This year, I will simplify my life. I will not allow the fear of “I’ve never done this before” hold me back.

This year I will define what I want from my life, from my day, from all aspects of my life and I will take them because it is that simple. I will not over complicate things.

This year I will think things through and not allow the fog of anxiety or depression cloud my mind and make a situation worse than it needs to be.

This year, I will define my self worth. I will not allow anxiety or depression hold me down and make me feel like a child any longer. I choose who I want to be. I will choose which thoughts to entertain and which to ignore. I choose every aspect of my life.

This year I will make friends. I will not let the fear of what other people think of me hold me back. I will be myself and understand that I don’t deserve to be alone all the time. I will find my community and find balance in the relationships in my life.

Every day this year, I will define my own happiness.

This year I will assert myself and not allow the fear of how other people are going to react dissuade me from standing up for myself and being me. I will do what pleases me, I will follow my passions and not allow other people to make me feel inferior.

This year, I will not allow my fearful and broken past define who I am.

With God’s help, this year I will create for myself a future of my choosing and work toward inspiring others to do the same.

Choice is a powerful thing, and it is involved in everything you do. You hold the power over your life. You hold the power over every single aspect of your life and this last year has proven that for me over and over again without fail.

Choose happiness, choose deep thought, choose to love yourself, choose to create the life that YOU want to lead.

Happy new year, God Bless

Jealousy

According to Lifebuzz.com, one of the most common toxic behaviors is jealousy.


“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17

Merriam Webster defines “covet” as ” to desire (what belongs to another)” in other words, to be jealous of. Jealousy is toxic. It makes a person think and do toxic things.

Because you can’t be happy for someone if you’re jealous of who they are or what they have. You can’t be happy with yourself or what you have if you’re focused on what you don’t have.

Jealousy eats away at a person. It can destroy your finances, your self-esteem and drive a wedge between you and anyone you know. The more you allow jealousy to seep into your life, the more unhappy your life will be.   

How do you combat jealousy? Todays culture is very “this is just the way I am”, but more and more research is taking away the credibility of the idea that we are fixed beings with no real way to change. More and more research is validating the idea of neuroplasticity. You are in charge of your brain. You are in charge of your thoughts and you are in charge of your emotions. Even if you don’t want to be. 

In order to change, you must first accept and learn to recognise the feeling of jealousy in yourself. You must notice the jealous thoughts and make the conscious decision to not act on them. 

You can ask yourself, “is this really what I want for my life?” and if the answer is no, decide what you do want your life to look like. 

Redirect your focus. Instead of being jealous of your friend for her beautiful new car, admire her for the hard work she put into saving up for that new car. 

Turn your jealousy into drive. If someone elses life looks better to you than your own, maybe it’s time to make some changes to make your life better suited to your desires. 

Accept that everyone is different. No one is necessarily better than anyone else, everyone is simply on a different path and in a different place and that is OK. As long as you are able to make yourself happy with who you are and what you have, your life is successful. 

God Bless