Rediscovering Purpose

I’ve noticed that a big part of finding happiness is giving yourself a purpose. What do you live for? What drives you? what do you cling to when you’re upset?

For me, that’s always been writing. Creative short stories, poetry, and journaling have always been my go to’s when I was depressed or anxious.

My fragile teenage soul had a bug out bag for when the world didn’t seem like such a fun place to be. My supplies included my journal, my creative writing notebook, and my poetry book. My latest paperback was usually in there as well.

If it was nice out, sunny and warm, I would head to the fort in the woods behind my house. It had a lookout tower 18 ft above the ground that was the perfect hideout for an angsty teenage girl.

Option two was my desk. But not sitting at the desk like a normal human, oh no. It wouldn’t be hiding if I did that. My desk sat in the corner of my bedroom with just enough space between it and the wall that a very small me could sit comfortably with a pillow and my bug out bag
and escape to a reality of my choosing.

Option three, only to be used in emergencies such as  if it was raining, snowing, cold, or dark
outside, or if my little sister claimed our bed room for herself, was the hunting room in the basement.

This room had all of our camping equipment and best of all, it locked from the inside. Granted there was a key, but that was the least of my worries. I wanted an escape and I wanted it now. I always had a place for It.

Now that I’ve grown and found ways out of my depressive / anxious states, I let the idea of writing to escape go, I thought l’d out grown my need of it, but I never felt quite whole without it.

I picked up the pen again and reignited my passion through journaling and this blog and It’s like coming up for air after drowning. I just can’t live meaningfully without writing. So I created a place for it in my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a published author so the blog is helping me find my voice. I’ve been great at poetry In the past so why not try and be a songwriter? And the biggest, probably the hardest tasks that I’m going to complete is becoming a published author. I am going to write and publish books. That Is my purpose.


The biggest point that I want to make is that If there is something in your life that has made that big of an impact on you, that has meant that much to you, there’s probably a reason for it. Maybe it was so important back then because it was meant to be your purpose now, or it was meant to lead you to your purpose.

Whatever it is, find it, create it for yourself.

Good Luck, God bless

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Perception, The Double Edged Sword

Why is it that some people would rather electrocute themselves than spend time with their own thoughts? What makes quiet contemplation so scary? The answer many of us would give is “I have anxiety”. 

We say it’s anxiety, we say it’s a disease because we don’t want to accept the responsibility that this is where we put ourselves. We have been gifted with the Holy Spirit, a direct connection to God for communication, but sometimes the Holy Spirit when it communicates, it says things that we don’t want to hear. So we ignore it, we ignore God talking to us. The more we ignore it the More urgent the message becomes we don’t like feeling that urgency so we continue to ignore it. This becomes a vicious cycle that leads into the pits of anxiety because we know what we need, we know what God is telling us about our lives and about our bodies about what we need to change but we don’t wanna hear it. We say it’s not our fault we say it’s a disease because we don’t wanna take responsibility for where we put ourselves. For the mindset we put ourselves in and for the advice from the divine that we have chosen to ignore.

Some of us have berried the truth so far down that finding it again requires more effort than we know how to give. No one chose this willingly, no one wants to be plagued by guilt and emotional pain without knowing where it came from, but it’s our responsibility to get out from under it. Pills mask the feeling, take away our responsibility to free ourselves from the cages we created in our minds.

Our minds are the one place that we can create and be anything that we want. The mind can’t tell the difference between reality and a thought so what we think about becomes our reality. Our culture is so wrapped up in negativity that our thoughts and our minds become scary monsters and boogie men and we don’t even realize that we have the power to create anything well! Perception is a powerful thing. A double edged sword that you are in total control of. 

A Lesson In The Crucible

God allows to happen that which will help the most amount of people for the longest amount of time. I am beginning to see that play out in my life more and more as the years go by. When I was a child, I had to live with a terrible hurt. It was either fight to live or die starving. I had a problem with my digestive system and my doctor convinced everyone I had an eating disorder. Almost everyone but my parents believed him and told me that all of my suffering was on me. It was my fault and I’m the only one who can change that. That if I wanted it bad enough, I could eat and be healthy. These words broke my heart because I was dying and there was nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be able to eat again. To be able to play, to climb the stairs in my home without having to stop and rest halfway up. My soul shattered. Everything inside me broke, I had no will to live anymore. No will to try. Even after the hospital figured out the true issue, and fixed my insides, I was still broken.

Through time, honesty, and the unfailing support of an incredibly loving man who is now my husband, my soul was mended and I began to love life again. Though I didn’t love myself, I told myself I did. I told others that I did but truly I didn’t and I tried to prove that I did to others as a way of trying to prove it to myself. I still struggle. I fear that I am too thin. That I am weak and can’t do anything for myself, but I am changing that perception.

Ephesians 2:10 says ‘For we are God’s masterpieces, he created us anew in Jesus christ so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’

Every one of us goes through a crucible in our lives. God uses them to create us anew, to show us what we are capable of. To make us strong and ignite passion in us to do what he calls us to do, to follow his plan for our lives. Two things happen when we face a crucible; we get stuck and never allow ourselves to walk out of it, to let go and allow it to change us or we rise from the challenge. We allow ourselves to be changed. To grow and become stronger than we believe ourselves to be able to be.

A crucible ignites a passion. Mine became helping people overcome psychiatric disorders like I faced. I was told that I would need mind numbing medication to function normally for the rest of my life. I’m sure there are countless numbers of people, lost and scared and alone who are being told the same thing.

I want to challenge the world to reach for more. To break the mold and take back their lives from whatever crucible they are stuck in. Reach for the other side and find your purpose and your passion. Figuring out how to get to the other side reveals so much about who you are and where your passion is and I want to see that in this world. Honesty, creativity, deep thought, and love are seriously lacking and I believe that is why we are so stuck in depression, in anxiety, in pain. The world needs to figure out how to heal, but so many people are so stuck in their pain that they can’t even fathom finding a way out because some doctor offers them a “Cure” in the form of a pill.

Overcome your crucible. Dare to find your passion and allow it to lead your life. Learn to love and except yourself again. Trust me, it leads to a much more satisfying existence.

Self care, how easy can it get?

I’ve been on the self care bandwagon for years now, ever since I heard the term in 2015. I’d always loved the idea of it, read everything I could on it, did everything in my power to become as much of an expert as I could on the topic of self care. Hoping. Praying that one day the actions would be as easy to do as they where to read on the page. But for years, easy and self care where just not even remotely on the same playing field. I struggled, and then put myself down for struggling. How hard is it to do something you enjoy? How hard is it to treat yourself? Apparently, it was extremely hard because I could never quite seem to grasp the concept.

Yesterday it clicked.

Small background, my husband recently switched to 3rd shift. He works 4pm- 4am and I work 6am to 2pm. Alone time was never something I enjoyed. Ever. My mom works 2nd shift and most of my friends are young moms, have their own hectic schedules or have moved and well life happens so for a while, with no family or friends to keep me company 24-7, I got depressed. And then I decided that I was better than that and beat the depression off with my journal and a pen.

That’s when the concept of self care finally made sense.

I was in the bathroom, I had just gotten out of the shower when I felt it…I wanted to do everything in my power to care for my body. It’s the only one I have after all and I want it to be strong and healthy for a long time to come. Because I’ve been practicing mindfulness, I watched this thought flow through and actively thought about it. What changed? What brought these thoughts to mind? I continued watching my thoughts and paying attention to my emotions and in a few short moments, I had my answer. I love myself. Really and truly I love myself. I want the best for myself and as long as that remains the truth, self care is a breeze. It’s second nature, I don’t even have to think about it because it’s what I actively want for myself!

Philippians 4, Road Map to Happiness

Philippians 4:6-8 “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is ADMIRABLE. If anything is EXCELLENT or PRAISEWORTHY, think about such things.”

This is my favorite verse and one that I am actively working into my thought life. It is literally a road map to happiness and peace. This verse is a step by step on how to make your life better, the only catch is that you have to follow it.

What does this even mean?

‘Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.”

The biggest thing here, at least in my very unprofessional opinion, is the with thanksgiving part. So many times, when we pray, it’s just asking for things. Why can’t we show God our thankfulness? Even in the darkest hour, there is always something to be grateful for. Even if its being thankful that we have a loving God to listen to our woes.

‘And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

It is my belief that coming to Christ with a grateful heart, is the foundation to feeling the peace of God. Having a grateful heart means surrendering to the will of God and the fact that there are things out of your control. It shows that you can see the good things in your life and you are doing more than asking for stuff like a spoiled child. Being thankful when we come to Christ in prayer makes your time with God feel more genuine and completely changes the tone of your prayer.

‘Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things’

Sooo, what are you thinking about? Is what you’re thinking about the truth? Are your thoughts noble? Are you looking at the situation in the right mindset? Do you focus on what is pure? Do you think about lovely things? Do you focus on what makes you admirable? Would you consider what goes through your head excellent or praiseworthy?  These thought patterns are the pillars of a healthy mind.

How do I change my thoughts to reflect these things?

Watch your thoughts. Next time you’re in a funk of depression, or anytime really, there is no bad time to start, pay attention to what kind of thoughts are floating around in your head. Pay attention to how you react and ask yourself if the situation warranted your reaction. Be nice to yourself, this is not about judgement, this is about learning so you can heal. Taking a step in the right direction and taking back control over your thoughts and your life.

Breaking the Lies that Steal Our Lives

Why is it so hard to get up the courage to help people? I feel like we don’t think we are relevant enough. I’m afraid to help him because he’s going to think I’m dumb. How am I going to help her when I myself am broken and can’t figure out my own life? We are each our very own unique brand of broken. We are buried under lies that we believe are truth.

The brain follows the mind, what you actively choose to think about becomes your brain. So when we hear something, or actively think a thought, that becomes a physical memory in our brains. Something bad happens because, well, life happens. We can’t control what happens, our power comes from how we choose to react to it. Those responses are also stored as memories in the brain. So if you think negatively, your brain doesn’t know how else to process information. The more you think about something, the stronger that memory becomes until it becomes your reality. This is how a lie becomes a neurological disorder. This is how a lie becomes a reality.

So how do we break that pattern? If it really is up to us, if we really do have a choice, how do we choose differently? That’s just it. Choose differently. Let me tell you from experience, it’s terrifying, but what a rush it is to actively take control of your life. It’s not easy, and it’s not instant, but it’s worth it and it works. This is not a one time thing. It takes practice and determination. How long have you been dwelling on the hurt? How strong is this memory? It’s going to take some time to reteach your brain and that’s ok. Its not just a one time, “that’s it, I’m done.” It’s a million choices that tare down the foundation of the lie and rebuild the truth. But you can do it. I believe in you.

What is Depression

What is depression?

Depression is…Depression is knowing that your house is a mess but you are too tired to clean it.

Depression is smelling the dirty dishes in the sink but the thought of washing them is overwhelming.

Depression is knowing that your husband is out of clean pants but you can’t wrap your head around washing them. And then putting them in the drier…and then, the part you dread most, folding them.

Depression is wanting to go outside and enjoy the beautifully warm fall day, but staying inside because you don’t feel like moving. And then hating yourself for it the entire time you’re laying there. Inside.

Depression is hearing your stomach growl with hunger but not being able to find the motivation to feed yourself. Let alone clean up after.

Depression is choosing to stay down even when the thought is tearing you up inside. Making you feel worthless. Telling you look. Look at all of these things that make you worthless. It’s so much easier to just. stay. down. Just don’t look at it and just don’t deal with it because it’s just too depressing.

 

What if we could change that? What if we mustered up the courage to take out that smelly trash?

What if instead of staying stuck in bed all day, we make the conscious decision to move to a chair outside?

What if we cleaned off the counter today because we’re worth it?

What if we made a sandwich?

What if we gave ourselves no other option but to tell that couch where to shove it and call a friend to go out for coffee?

What if we took matters into our own hands, into our own minds and decided to make a change? To figure out what happiness looks like and mirror our lives after that instead?

Not just once either. A million times. A million good decisions that lead to happiness. That lead to health and healing!

We are beautiful and powerful creatures. We have the power to create our own reality and to make good things in our lives for we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the most powerful King of Kings. What do we have to fear except for change?