Authentic

So yesterday I went out and got my hair done for the first time in over five years. I found a look that I liked and that would go well with the type of hair I have and went with It. Face framing, layers, the whole 9 yards.

The stylist couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful and strong and healthy my hair was!

Now I, like most women, have a love, hate relationship with my hair. Sometimes it wants to be straight sometimes it wants to be wavy, sometimes it’s curly and It’s ALWAYS frizzy.

When my hair cooperates, I adore it but most of the time. I want to rip it out at the roots. Hearing a professional gush over my hair like this left me beaming and for the most part, I felt like She was being honest because she didn’t try to sell me six million products.

What she did do was ask me what I did to make my hair so healthy. She asked me what products I used because her hair was a lot like mine and she wanted to grow it out and be as healthy as possible.

You should  have Seen her face when I told her I really don’t use anything. I have a frizz oil and leave in conditioner and that’s it. What I don’t do is blow dry, I barely use heat of any kind, and I find shampoo that’s as chemical free as possible.

Later in that night, my husband and I went out with a few friends to play pool at the local bar. We played people we have never met and made some new friends.

A few of the girls told me how pretty I looked (probably the new hair cut) and asked how I got my makeup to look so natural. I don’t wear makeup.

Things like this don’t happen to me very often so when they do, I ponder them very deeply in the shower.

I didn’t do anything different with my physical appearance (other than a haircut) so why where people complimenting me like this? That is definitely not a normal occurrence for me.

The only answer that I can come up with is that I focus more on the health of my body over the physical appearance of it and tonight I owned it. I was confident In myself and who I want to be so I didn’t pay attention to what I thought people might be thinking.

I smiled and laughed and allowed myself to be carried away by the mood of the moment instead of wondering whether or not I looked like a fool. I didn’t care if I looked like a fool as long as I was having fun, which I did- I had a blast.

We stayed out until 3:30AM (my normal bed time, even on weekends is around 9).

It was one of the funnest nights I can remember and hopefully there will be many More like this.

My introverted ass can still have fun meeting new people.

Whatever your bliss, follow it. People are attracted to confidence over appearance. Own who you are and own what you love because if you don’t, no one will. The people around you are far to wrapped up in their own insecurities to be nit picking you the way you nit pick yourself so fake it till you make it darling.

Good luck and God Bless

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Rediscovering Purpose

I’ve noticed that a big part of finding happiness is giving yourself a purpose. What do you live for? What drives you? what do you cling to when you’re upset?

For me, that’s always been writing. Creative short stories, poetry, and journaling have always been my go to’s when I was depressed or anxious.

My fragile teenage soul had a bug out bag for when the world didn’t seem like such a fun place to be. My supplies included my journal, my creative writing notebook, and my poetry book. My latest paperback was usually in there as well.

If it was nice out, sunny and warm, I would head to the fort in the woods behind my house. It had a lookout tower 18 ft above the ground that was the perfect hideout for an angsty teenage girl.

Option two was my desk. But not sitting at the desk like a normal human, oh no. It wouldn’t be hiding if I did that. My desk sat in the corner of my bedroom with just enough space between it and the wall that a very small me could sit comfortably with a pillow and my bug out bag
and escape to a reality of my choosing.

Option three, only to be used in emergencies such as  if it was raining, snowing, cold, or dark
outside, or if my little sister claimed our bed room for herself, was the hunting room in the basement.

This room had all of our camping equipment and best of all, it locked from the inside. Granted there was a key, but that was the least of my worries. I wanted an escape and I wanted it now. I always had a place for It.

Now that I’ve grown and found ways out of my depressive / anxious states, I let the idea of writing to escape go, I thought l’d out grown my need of it, but I never felt quite whole without it.

I picked up the pen again and reignited my passion through journaling and this blog and It’s like coming up for air after drowning. I just can’t live meaningfully without writing. So I created a place for it in my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a published author so the blog is helping me find my voice. I’ve been great at poetry In the past so why not try and be a songwriter? And the biggest, probably the hardest tasks that I’m going to complete is becoming a published author. I am going to write and publish books. That Is my purpose.


The biggest point that I want to make is that If there is something in your life that has made that big of an impact on you, that has meant that much to you, there’s probably a reason for it. Maybe it was so important back then because it was meant to be your purpose now, or it was meant to lead you to your purpose.

Whatever it is, find it, create it for yourself.

Good Luck, God bless

This Is The Year Of Choice, Choose Wisely.

My first post of 2019. New years have always been a big thing for me writing Journals. The first post of the new year has always given me a sense of refreshment, the first blank page of the new year. I guess it’s a little bit of a metaphor for me; the blank page representing the blank slate a new year represents, a new beginning, a fresh start. Here is the first of my fresh start.

This year, I will simplify my life. I will not allow the fear of “I’ve never done this before” hold me back.

This year I will define what I want from my life, from my day, from all aspects of my life and I will take them because it is that simple. I will not over complicate things.

This year I will think things through and not allow the fog of anxiety or depression cloud my mind and make a situation worse than it needs to be.

This year, I will define my self worth. I will not allow anxiety or depression hold me down and make me feel like a child any longer. I choose who I want to be. I will choose which thoughts to entertain and which to ignore. I choose every aspect of my life.

This year I will make friends. I will not let the fear of what other people think of me hold me back. I will be myself and understand that I don’t deserve to be alone all the time. I will find my community and find balance in the relationships in my life.

Every day this year, I will define my own happiness.

This year I will assert myself and not allow the fear of how other people are going to react dissuade me from standing up for myself and being me. I will do what pleases me, I will follow my passions and not allow other people to make me feel inferior.

This year, I will not allow my fearful and broken past define who I am.

With God’s help, this year I will create for myself a future of my choosing and work toward inspiring others to do the same.

Choice is a powerful thing, and it is involved in everything you do. You hold the power over your life. You hold the power over every single aspect of your life and this last year has proven that for me over and over again without fail.

Choose happiness, choose deep thought, choose to love yourself, choose to create the life that YOU want to lead.

Happy new year, God Bless

Perception, The Double Edged Sword

Why is it that some people would rather electrocute themselves than spend time with their own thoughts? What makes quiet contemplation so scary? The answer many of us would give is “I have anxiety”. 

We say it’s anxiety, we say it’s a disease because we don’t want to accept the responsibility that this is where we put ourselves. We have been gifted with the Holy Spirit, a direct connection to God for communication, but sometimes the Holy Spirit when it communicates, it says things that we don’t want to hear. So we ignore it, we ignore God talking to us. The more we ignore it the More urgent the message becomes we don’t like feeling that urgency so we continue to ignore it. This becomes a vicious cycle that leads into the pits of anxiety because we know what we need, we know what God is telling us about our lives and about our bodies about what we need to change but we don’t wanna hear it. We say it’s not our fault we say it’s a disease because we don’t wanna take responsibility for where we put ourselves. For the mindset we put ourselves in and for the advice from the divine that we have chosen to ignore.

Some of us have berried the truth so far down that finding it again requires more effort than we know how to give. No one chose this willingly, no one wants to be plagued by guilt and emotional pain without knowing where it came from, but it’s our responsibility to get out from under it. Pills mask the feeling, take away our responsibility to free ourselves from the cages we created in our minds.

Our minds are the one place that we can create and be anything that we want. The mind can’t tell the difference between reality and a thought so what we think about becomes our reality. Our culture is so wrapped up in negativity that our thoughts and our minds become scary monsters and boogie men and we don’t even realize that we have the power to create anything well! Perception is a powerful thing. A double edged sword that you are in total control of. 

Beautifully You

10 As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: 11 whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 1:10-11 ESV

Each one of us is unique. Each one of us is different. Each one of us is special. We know it in our minds but do our hearts know it as well? There are so may out there who project this confidence in themselves yet when an individual ends up knowing more about a topic, we feel threatened that they know more than we do. Often, we get agitated and irritated that we do not know more than this person about a topic that we really aren’t all that passionate about. This topic is not where we are gifted, yet still, we desire to seem to know more than we do. Why?”As each has received a gift,”

  • You have unique to you gifts

Everyone is gifted in some way, in something. You have unique to you strengths that your friend, mother, sister, brother, father, might not have. Your gift is meant to compliment not to compete. If we all where to stick to what we knew, be humble enough to learn what we don’t, and step aside when we are in over our heads, our world would look much different. Our world would run like a well oiled machine because we’re all honest with ourselves about what we want and what we know.

  • Someone else being better at something is not a bad thing

Just as you are unique, and have your own unique to you talents and gifts, so do those around you. Just as  that you have you have skills that those around you don’t have, those around you are going to have skills that you don’t. That’s ok. In fact that is a very wonderful thing. A very healthy thing for our society because if we all knew only the same thing, how would we learn and grow? The beauty of a sunset is totally different from the beauty of the first snow of the year, but one doesn’t take away from the other. Their differences make life all the more satisfying. My friend and I are both writers, but our styles are very different. She is more creative and descriptive and my writing is more factual. She is an amazing novelist and I am a poet. For years growing up in school together, I always thought my writing was no good because I didn’t write like her. I tried and I was terrible. Years later, she told me that she always wished she could write like I do and that hers is no good! Imagine that! now we use our differences to help and teach each other. Instead of being jealous of each other, we help each other create masterpieces.

  • Other people can’t make you look bad
One of the biggest things I hear where different gifts are concerned is something to the effect of "They're going to show me up" or "if I don't prove I can do what they do, it's going to make me look bad". Usually, though, the opposite is true. When someone does what they are good at, it's obvious that they're good at it right? It's clear that they know what they are doing. It's just as obvious when someone is pretending to know what they're talking about. We've all seen someone try to fake the masses and persuade people that they know what they're doing, when they clearly don't. Don't fall into that trap. Be honest about what you know and don't know, be honest about what you are good at and what you are not good at. Your honesty will open up opportunities to learn and grow new skills that can compliment your own. It will also give you the opportunity to shine and teach when you use your own unique to you gift! 

Self care, how easy can it get?

I’ve been on the self care bandwagon for years now, ever since I heard the term in 2015. I’d always loved the idea of it, read everything I could on it, did everything in my power to become as much of an expert as I could on the topic of self care. Hoping. Praying that one day the actions would be as easy to do as they where to read on the page. But for years, easy and self care where just not even remotely on the same playing field. I struggled, and then put myself down for struggling. How hard is it to do something you enjoy? How hard is it to treat yourself? Apparently, it was extremely hard because I could never quite seem to grasp the concept.

Yesterday it clicked.

Small background, my husband recently switched to 3rd shift. He works 4pm- 4am and I work 6am to 2pm. Alone time was never something I enjoyed. Ever. My mom works 2nd shift and most of my friends are young moms, have their own hectic schedules or have moved and well life happens so for a while, with no family or friends to keep me company 24-7, I got depressed. And then I decided that I was better than that and beat the depression off with my journal and a pen.

That’s when the concept of self care finally made sense.

I was in the bathroom, I had just gotten out of the shower when I felt it…I wanted to do everything in my power to care for my body. It’s the only one I have after all and I want it to be strong and healthy for a long time to come. Because I’ve been practicing mindfulness, I watched this thought flow through and actively thought about it. What changed? What brought these thoughts to mind? I continued watching my thoughts and paying attention to my emotions and in a few short moments, I had my answer. I love myself. Really and truly I love myself. I want the best for myself and as long as that remains the truth, self care is a breeze. It’s second nature, I don’t even have to think about it because it’s what I actively want for myself!

Philippians 4, Road Map to Happiness

Philippians 4:6-8 “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is ADMIRABLE. If anything is EXCELLENT or PRAISEWORTHY, think about such things.”

This is my favorite verse and one that I am actively working into my thought life. It is literally a road map to happiness and peace. This verse is a step by step on how to make your life better, the only catch is that you have to follow it.

What does this even mean?

‘Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.”

The biggest thing here, at least in my very unprofessional opinion, is the with thanksgiving part. So many times, when we pray, it’s just asking for things. Why can’t we show God our thankfulness? Even in the darkest hour, there is always something to be grateful for. Even if its being thankful that we have a loving God to listen to our woes.

‘And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

It is my belief that coming to Christ with a grateful heart, is the foundation to feeling the peace of God. Having a grateful heart means surrendering to the will of God and the fact that there are things out of your control. It shows that you can see the good things in your life and you are doing more than asking for stuff like a spoiled child. Being thankful when we come to Christ in prayer makes your time with God feel more genuine and completely changes the tone of your prayer.

‘Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things’

Sooo, what are you thinking about? Is what you’re thinking about the truth? Are your thoughts noble? Are you looking at the situation in the right mindset? Do you focus on what is pure? Do you think about lovely things? Do you focus on what makes you admirable? Would you consider what goes through your head excellent or praiseworthy?  These thought patterns are the pillars of a healthy mind.

How do I change my thoughts to reflect these things?

Watch your thoughts. Next time you’re in a funk of depression, or anytime really, there is no bad time to start, pay attention to what kind of thoughts are floating around in your head. Pay attention to how you react and ask yourself if the situation warranted your reaction. Be nice to yourself, this is not about judgement, this is about learning so you can heal. Taking a step in the right direction and taking back control over your thoughts and your life.